Little boy and the bus driver

A little kid walks into a city bus and sits right behind the driver and starts yelling, ‘‘if my dad was a bull and my mom a cow I'd be a little bull.''

The driver starts getting mad at the noisy kid, who continues with, ''If my dad was an elephant and my mom a girl elephant I would be a little elephant.''

The kid goes on with several animals until the bus driver gets angry and yells at the kid, ''What if your dad was gay and your mom was a prostitute?''

The kid smiles and says, ''I would be a bus driver!''

Clever Blondes

Two blondes were riding around town with a sign on top of their car, which said: "TWO BLONDES – FOR $50.00 ONLY!" A policeman, seeing the sign, stopped them and told them they'd either have to remove the sign or go to jail. Just at that time, another car passed with a sign saying: "JESUS SAVES."

One of the girls asked the cop: "How come you don't stop them?" "Well, that's a little different," the cop smiled. "Their sign pertains to religion." So the two ladies of the night frowned as they took their sign down and drove off.

The following day found the same cop in the area when he noticed the two ladies driving around with a large sign on their car again. Figuring he had an easy bust, he began to catch up with them when he noticed the new sign which read: "TWO ANGELS SEEKING PETER – FOR $50.00 ONLY!"

A Child's Prayer

One night, a father passed by his son's room and heard his son praying: "God bless Mommy, Daddy, and Grandma. Bye-bye, Grandpa."

The father didn't quite know what this meant, but was glad his son was praying. The next morning, they found Grandpa dead on the floor of a heart attack. The father reassured himself that it was just a coincidence, but was still a bit spooked.

The next night, he heard his son praying again: "God bless Mommy and Daddy. Bye-bye, Grandma."

The father was worried, but decided to wait until morning. Sure enough, the next morning Grandma was on the floor, dead of a heart attack.

Really scared now, the father decided to wait outside his son's door the next night. And sure enough, the boy started to pray: "God bless Mommy. Bye-bye, Daddy."

Now the father was crapping in his pants. He stayed up all night, and went to the doctor early the next day to make sure that his health was fine. When he finally came home, his wife was waiting on the porch. She said, "Thank God you're here -- we could really use your help! We found milkman dead on our porch this morning!" .

Duck Shooting

A surgeon, a psychiatrist and an internist went duck shooting. A duck flew over, and the internist aimed, but didn't fire. "Why didn't you shoot?" asked the surgeon, surprised. "Are you certain it was a duck," answered the internist. "It could have been another bird." Another duck flew over. The psychiatrist aimed but didn't fire. "What now?" asked the surgeon.

"Does the duck actually know it's a duck?" asked the psychiatrist. Another duck flew over. The surgeon snatched the gun out of the psychiatrist's hand and fired. "Are you sure it was a duck?" asked the internist and the psychiatrist. "We'll find that out at the autopsy," the surgeon answered.

Patience

A man observed a woman in the grocery store with a three-year-old in her basket. As they passed the cookie section, the little girl asked for cookies and her mother told her no. The little girl immediately began to whine and fuss, and the mother said quietly, "Now Monica, we just have half of the aisles left to go through; don't be upset.

It won't be long." Soon they came to the candy aisle, and the little girl began to shout for candy. And when told she couldn't have any, began to cry.The mother said, "There, there, Monica, don't cry--only two more aisles to go, and then we'll be checking out." When they got to the checkout stand,the little girls immediately began to clamor for gum and burst into a terrible tantrum upon discovering there'd be no gum purchased.

The mother patiently said, "Monica, we'll be through this check out stand in 5 minutes and then you can go home and have a nice nap." The man followed them out to the parking lot and stopped the woman to compliment her. "I couldn't help noticing how patient you were with little Monica," he began. Where upon the mother said, "I'm Monica -- my little girl's name is Tammy."

Helisoft

A helicopter was flying around above Seattle when an electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircraft's electronic navigation and communications equipment.

Due to the clouds and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter's position. The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, and held up a handwritten sign that said, "WHERE AM I?" in large letters. People in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign, and held it in a building window. Their sign said, "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER."

The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map, determined the course to steer to SEATAC airport, and landed safely. After they were on the ground, the copilot asked the pilot how he had done it.

"I knew it had to be the Microsoft Building, because they gave me a technically correct but completely useless answer."