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The Drink Problem
A
man, whose level of drunkenness was bordering on the absurd, stood up
to leave a bar and fell flat on his face.
"Maybe
all I need is some fresh air," thought the man as he crawled
outside.
He
tried to stand up again, but fell face first into the mud.
"Screw
it," he thought. "I'll just crawl home."
The
next morning, his wife found him on the doorstep asleep.
"You
went out drinking last night, didn't you?" she said.
"Uh,
yes," he said sheepishly. "How did you know?"
"You
left your wheelchair at the bar again."
Terrible accident
A
man and a woman were involved in a terrible car accident and both cars
were totaled. They climbed from the wreckage and the woman stood in
awe. ''Our cars are demolished; yet we walk unharmed. This must be a
sign from God that we are to be best friends for the rest of our
lives,'' she spoke wisely.
''I agree completely, ma'am,'' the man replied.
The
woman stepped closer to examine the damage and noticed something shiny
within her car. Reaching in, she pulled out an unbroken bottle. ''This
bottle of wine wasn't even cracked. I think this is another sign that
we are to drink a toast to our new friendship.''
''That's
a great idea, miss,'' the man answered taking the bottle from her. He
popped the cork and drank his share.
''I'm
sorry. It’s really rude of me? Would you like some?''
''No,
thank you. I'll just wait on the cops to get here and find you
drunk,'' she replied
A Lesson in Church
A
man and his wife were sitting in church, the man was sleeping and his
wife was knitting. The priest asked, "Who created the Earth and
man?" The woman poked the man with her knitting needle and the
man screamed, "GOD!" The Priest looked at him and said,
"That's right."
Then he asked, "Who is God's son?" Once more the woman poked
her husband with the needle, he woke up and screamed, "Jesus
Christ!" Again, the priest said, "Correct."
Finally,
the priest asked, "What did Eve say to Adam when she didn't want
any more children?" The knitter poked her husband again, but this
time he screamed "Poke me with that thing one more time and I'm
going to rip it off!" The priest smiled and said, "That's
right."
A Husband's Moment of Realization
A
woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several
months, yet she stayed by his bedside every single day. When he came
to, he motioned for her to come nearer.
As
she sat by him, he said, "You know what? You have been with me
all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support
me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were
by my side. When we lost the house, you gave me support. When my
health started failing, you were still by my side... You know
what?"
"What
dear?" She asked gently. "I think you bring me bad
luck."
Braggadocio
Four
guys are drinking in a bar, bragging about their sons. "My son
started out washing cars at the dealership. He now owns the
dealership. What’s more, he just gave one of his friends four new
cars," says the first one.
"My son started out serving lunch in a real estate office. He now
owns the real state office. He just gave one of his friends a new
mansion," says the second one. "My son started out sweeping
the floors at the Stock Exchange, but now practically owns the Stock
Exchange and just gave one of his friends a $1,000,000 in stock,"
says the third.
"Well," the fourth guy said,
"my son's turned out to be a bit of a disappointment. He's a gay
hairdresser and he has several boyfriends. On the plus side, between
them, they gave him four cars, a mansion, and a million dollars in
stock for his birthday."
A Fisherman's Tale
Two
fellows are fishing in a boat under a bridge. One looks up and sees a
funeral procession starting across the bridge. He stands up, takes off
his cap, and bows his head. The procession crosses the bridge and the
man puts on his cap, picks up his rod and reel, and continues fishing.
The other guy says, "That was touching. I didn't know you had it
in you."
The
first guy responds, "Well, I guess it was the thing to do - after
all, I was married to her for 40 years."
Doggy feeling
A
man walked into the office of the eminent psychiatrist Dr. Heidberg,
and sat down to explain his problem. "Doctor, doctor! I've got
this problem," the man continued. "I keep hallucinating that
I'm a dog. It's crazy. I don't know what to do!"
"A
common canine complex," said the doctor soothingly. "Come
over here and lie down on the couch."
"Oh
no, Doctor," the man said, "I'm not allowed up on the
furniture."
A Great Gift
Did
you hear about the fellow that was talking to his buddy, and he said,
"I don't know what to get my wife for her birthday - she has
everything, and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants, so
I'm stumped."
His
buddy said, "I have an idea - why don't you make up a certificate
saying she can have 60 minutes of great sex, any way she wants it -
she'll probably be thrilled."
So
the fellow did. The next day his buddy said, "Well? Did you take
my suggestion?"
"Yes, I did," said the fellow.
"Did
she like it?" His buddy asked.
"Oh
yes! She jumped up, thanked me, kissed me on the forehead and ran out
the door, yelling, "I'll be back in an hour!"
Lottery
A
guy comes bursting through the front door and shouts up the stairs to
his wife: 'Pack your bags...I just won the Lottery!'
The
wife replies, 'Well, what should I take? Are we going to a warm
climate or someplace cool?'
The
guy responds, 'I don't care what you take just as long as you're
packed and gone from here in half-an-hour.'
Jealous
"What’s the matter, ma'am?" asked
the maid, finding her mistress in tears.
"I've just discovered my husband is
having an affair with his secretary!" she cried.
"Oh, nonsense!" snorted the maid.
"You're only saying that to make me jealous!"
Syllabus
"We
are already tired of studying the First and the Second World War as
chapters in History. What would life be if we have to study WTC and
Pentagon too," said Santa wearily.
"Hey! That gets compensated by reduction of two chapters in
Geography, Afghanistan and Pakistan," consoles Banta.
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