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A tourist walked into a pet shop and was looking at the animals on display. While he was there, a customer walked in and went over to a cage at the side of the shop and took out a monkey. "That'll be $5000," says the shopkeeper. The customer pays and walks out with his monkey.
Startled, the tourist went over to the shopkeeper and said, "That was a very expensive monkey. Most of them are available for only a few hundred dollars. Why did it cost so much?" The shopkeeper answered, "Ah, that monkey can program in C - very fast, tight code, no bugs, well worth the money." The tourist looked at the monkey in another cage.
"That one's even more expensive - $10,000" explains the shopkeper. "What is this one good at?" asks the tourist. "Oh, that one's a C++ monkey. It can manage object-oriented programming, Visual C++, and even some Java. All very useful stuff," said the shopkeeper. The tourist looked around for a little longer and saw a third monkey in a cage of its own.
The price tag around that one's neck read $50,000. He gasped and asked the shopkeeper, "That one costs more than all the others put together! What on earth does it do?"
The shopkeeper replied, "Well, I haven't actually seen it do anything, but says he's a consultant."
Manager & Engineer
A man is flying a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts, "Excuse me. Can you help me? I promised my friend I would meet him half an hour ago, but I don't know where I am." The man below says, "Yes, You are in a hot air balloon, hovering approximately 30 feet above this field. You are between 40 and 42 degrees N. Latitude, and between 58 and 60 degrees W. longitude".
"You must be an engineer," says the balloonist. "I am," replies the man. "How did you know?" "Well," says the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I am still lost."
The man below says, "You must be a manager." "I am," replies the balloonist, "but how did you know?" "Well," says the man below, "you don't know where you are, or where you are going, You have made a promise, which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem.
The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now it is somehow my fault."
A woman was fed up of her husbands drinking habits. So one day she decided to dress up like a devil and frighten her husband. When the husband came home she jumped from behind the couch dressed as a devil and made horrible noises.
For a moment, he thought it was the real devil. But then he simply saw her with drunken eyes and said, "you don't frighten me anymore because I married your sister years ago."
A man went to visit his 90-year-old grandfather and while eating the breakfast of eggs and bacon prepared for him, he noticed a film-like substance on his plate. So he says, "Grandfather, are these plates clean?" His grandfather replies, "Those plates are as clean as coldwater can get them, so go on and finish your meal"
That afternoon, while eating the hamburgers his grandfather made for lunch, he noticed many little black specks around the edge of his plate, so again he asked, "Grandfather are you sure these plates are clean?" Without looking up from his burger, the grandfather says, "I told you those dishes are as clean as coldwater can get them, now don't ask me about it anymore".
Well, later that day, they were on their way out to get dinner. As he was leaving the house, grandfather's dog that was lying on the floor started to growl and would not let him pass. "Grandfather, your dog won't let me out".
Without diverting his attention from the football game he was watching, his grandfather shouted, "Coldwater, get your butt out of the way!"
Bridge to Hawaii!
A man was walking along
a California beach and stumbled across an old lamp. He picked it up and rubbed
it and out popped a genie. The genie said "OK, OK. You released me from the
lamp, blah. This is the fourth time this month and I'm getting a little sick
of these wishes so you can forget about three. You only get one wish!"
The genie laughed and said, "That's impossible. Think of the logistics of that! How would the supports ever reach the bottom of the Pacific? Think of how much concrete...how much steel! No-think of another wish."
The man said OK and tried to think of a really good wish. Finally, he said, "I've been married and divorced four times. My wives always said that I don't care and that I'm insensitive. So, I wish that I could understand women...know how they feel inside and what they're thinking when they give me the silent treatment...know why they're crying, know what they really want when they say 'nothing'...know how to make them truly happy.... "
The genie said, "You want that bridge two lanes or four?"
Modern Art Museum
Once, visiting the modern art museum an old lady turned to an attendant standing nearby.
"This", she said, "I suppose, is one of those hideous representations you call modern art?"
"No madam." replied the attendant. "That one's called a mirror."
A neatly dressed salesman stopped a man in the street and asked - "Sir, would you like to buy a bottle of this mouthwash for $200.00?"
Aghast, the man said, "are you NUTS? that's robbery!"
The salesman seemed hurt and then tries again - "Sir, since you are a bit irate, I'll sell it to you for 1/2 price at $100.00?
Again, the man replies bluntly - "you must be crazy pal, now go away!"
The salesman then reaches into his briefcase and pulls out 2 brownies and begins munching away on one of them. He tells the irate guy - "Sir, please share one of my brownies since I have annoyed you so much".
Unwrapping the brownie, the guy takes a bite; suddenly, the guy spits it out and says: "HEY," he snarled, "this brownie tastes like crap!"
"It is," replied the salesman. "Wanna buy some mouthwash?"
A husband desperate to
end an argument offers to buy is wife a new car. She curtly declines his offer
by saying, "That’s not quite what I had in mind."
A fellow stopped at a rural gas station, and, after filling his tank, he paid the bill and bought a soft drink. He stood by his car to drink his cola and he watched while a blonde in her khakis would dig a hole two or three feet deep and then move on. Then another blonde came along behind and filled in the hole. While one was digging a new hole, the other was about 25 feet behind filling in the old.
The blondes worked right past the fellow with the soft drink and went on down the road. "I can't stand this," said the man tossing the can in a trash container and heading down the road toward the men.
"Hold it, hold it," he said to the men. "Can you tell me what's going on here with this digging?"
"Well, we work for the county," one of the blondes said.
"But one of you is digging a hole and the other fills it up. You're not accomplishing anything. Aren't you wasting the county's money?"
"You don't understand, mister," one of the blondes, leaning on his shovel and wiping her brow. "Normally there are three of us: Christina, Mikcy, and me. I dig the hole, Christina sticks in the tree and Micky here puts the dirt back."
"Now just because Christina is sick, that doesn't mean that Micky and me can't work and get paid."