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A woman had a female parrot that kept saying, 'Hello, I like you, I want you badly. Do you want to have some fun?' The woman was frantic and visited a priest to find a solution.
The priest asked her to bring the female parrot to her house. "Don't worry lady, I have two male parrots at home that keep reading the Holy book," said the priest.
The woman took her parrot to priest's home the very next day. Just when the female parrot saw the two male parrots reading the Holy book, it squawked, 'Hello, I like you, I want you badly. Do you want to have some fun?' The male parrots looked at each other and said, 'Put away the Holy book buddy, our prayers have been answered
Blonde gets a
But this time, the dresser quickly
removed the phones off her ear and started trimming the hair. In no
time, the blonde collapsed on the chair and died.
A man was walking down the street
when he heard, "You take one more step, and you are finished. A
brick will fall on you turning your head into a beaten
Once James Bond and a Telugu guy
were flying together, seated next to each other.
James Bond collapses.
Looking for love
Bill is in his mid thirties. All his
friends are married except him. He just dates and dates. Finally, his
best friend asks him as to what’s the matter and why is he not
getting married. "Are you looking for the perfect woman? Are you
that particular? Can't you find anyone who suits you?" he
A Letter from a Software Professional!
Dear Ms. ABC,
My life is just an uncompiled program and without you it will never produce an executable code. Your smile is so lovely that it encourages me and gives power to equal to thousands of CPUs. When you looked at me last evening, I felt like all my program modules are running smoothly and giving expected results. /* which I never experienced before */.
With this letter, I just want to convey that if we linked together, I'll provide you all objects & libraries necessary for a human being to live an error free life. Also don't bother about the firewall which your parents might install. I've strong hacking capabilities by which, I'll ultimately break into their security password and make them agree for our networking.
I anticipate that nobody is already logged in to your database. My connect script should not fail or else my system crash will crash beyond recovery. Kindly interpret this letter properly and grant me all privileges of your inbox.
Parent Teacher Meeting
During one of those parent teacher meetings, the the teacher seemed a bit flustered, especially when she started telling me that my little girl didn't always pay attention in class and seemed to go wrong on a number of occasions."For example, she'll do the wrong page in the workbook," the teacher explained, "and I've even found her sitting in the wrong desk at times."
"I don't understand that," I replied defensively. "Where the hell could she have picked that habit from?"
At this, the teacher reassured me that my daughter was doing fine otherwise and there is nothing alarming. Finally, after a pause, she added, "By the way, Mrs. Johnson, our appointment was for tomorrow."
The inebriated clock
John was invited by his bachelor friends for an all-night party to celebrate his marriage. He promised his bride that he would be back home by midnight. Once at the party, one tall tale led to another and everyone bought him drinks. Before he knew it, it was about to be 3:00 a.m. Drunk as a skunk, he took leave and ordered a cab home. Just as he got to the door, the old cuckoo clock struck three and cuckooed 3 times in usual fashion.
He was quick enough to realize that this would wake her up, so he cuckooed 9 more times. He was really proud of himself for having thwarted a possible conflict, even when he was drunk. Next morning, his wife asked him as to what time did he get in. "12 o'clock," he said. She then told him that next time they go shopping together; they would but a new clock.
"Why, what's wrong with this one?" he demanded. "Well, it first cuckooed 3 times as usual, said 'Damn it', cuckooed another 4 times, belched, cuckooed another 3 times, cleared its throat, and cuckooed twice and then giggled."
An ex-serviceman was telling young
officers about how experienced he was, his times in the service, and
how he handled officers--be it any rank. "It didn't matter a hoot
if he was a Major General, an Admiral, or the Commander-in-Chief. I
always told those guys exactly where to get off," said he.
One afternoon, a wealthy lawyer was
riding in the back of his limousine when he saw two men eating grass
by the road side. He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to
investigate. "Why are you eating grass?" he asked one of
A New Yorker was forced to take a day off from work to appear for a minor traffic summon. He grew increasingly restless as he waited hour after endless hour for his case to be heard. When his name was called, late in the afternoon, he stood before the judge only to hear that court would be adjourned for the rest of the day and he would have to return the next day.
"WHAT FOR?!?!?" he snapped at the judge. The Judge, equally irked by a tedious day and sharp query, roared out loud, "Twenty dollars. Contempt of court! That's why!" Then, noticing the man checking his wallet, the judge relented, ""That's all right. You don't have to pay now." The guy replied... "I know...I'm just checking if I have enough for two more words
The best anesthesia
A man who had been operated on very recently kept complaining of a bump on his head and a terrible headache. Since he had been operated on the leg, there was no reason why he complained of a headache. His nurse suspected that the man might be suffering from some post-operative shock, spoke to the doctor about it.
The wedding deal
Just before the ceremony, the groom approached the priest and said, "Look, I'll give you $100 if you change the wedding vows. When you get to me and the part where I'm to promise 'love, honor and obey' and 'forsaking all others, be faithful to her forever,' I'd appreciate it if you'd just leave that out." With that, he passed a $100 bill in priest's hand and walked away satisfied.
When it is time for the groom's vows, the priest looks at the young man and says, "Will you promise to prostrate yourself before her, obey her every command and wish, serve her breakfast in bed every morning of your life and swear eternally before God and your lovely wife that you will not ever even look at another woman, as long as you both shall live?"
The groom gulped, looked around, and said, "Yes," in a very low tone.
"But I thought we had a deal," he asked the priest after the ceremony. The priest put the $100 bill into his hand and said, "Grow up in life, my son. She made me a much better offer."
Damn the president
A marine colonel stuck in a massive
traffic jam, notices a police officer walking back and forth between
the lines of cars. He rolls down his window and asks, ''Excuse me,
Officer, what's the hold up for?''
He is threatening to douse himself in gasoline and immolate himself. He says that even his family hates him and he does not have $33 million that he owes his lawyers.
I'm walking around collecting money
for him,'' explains the officer.
Food That Pains
A dietician was once addressing a large audience in Chicago. "The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks erode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG...".
"Vegetables can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have had or will have it one fine day. Can anyone tell me what food is it that causes prolonged pain and suffering for years after eating it?"
A 75-year-old man in the front row stood up and quipped, "The wedding cake."