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Transport problem

As US tourists in Israel, a man and his wife were sitting outside a Bethlehem souvenir shop, waiting for fellow tourists to arrive. An Arab salesman approached them carrying fancy leather belts. After an impassioned sales talk yielded no results, he asked where they were from.
"America," the husband replied.
Looking at her dark hair and olive skin, the Arab responded. "She's not from the States."
"Yes I am," said the wife. He looked at her and asked. "Is he your husband?"
"Yes" she replied. Turning to the husband, he offered, "I'll give you 100 camels for her."
The husband looked stunned, and there was a long silence. Finally he replied, "she's not for sale."
After the salesman left, the somewhat indignant wife asked her husband what took him so long to answer, to which the husband replied, "I was trying to figure out how to get 100 camels back home."

Natural Instinct

A rich lady boarded an elevator when she suddenly had to fart. She promptly reached into her bag and sprayed the air with her deodorizer. Two floors later a gentleman got onto the elevator.

He began to sniff. The lady asked, "Do you smell something?"
"Why, yes, I do," he replied. "What does it smell like?"
"Hmmm, I'm not sure, but it kind of smells like someone shit in a pine tree."

 

Sleep married

A woman army driver, after a long drive arrived at her destination, a remote camp, at midnight.
The sergeant on duty showed her where to leave the vehicle, and then said, "Where will you sleep tonight?"

She said, "Well, the only thing I could do is to sleep in the cab."
The sergeant thought for a moment and said, "It's a cold night, tell you what, you can have my bunk if you like, I'll sleep on the floor." The girl eagerly accepted the offer.

After the girl turned in, she felt sorry for the sergeant sleeping there on the cold hard floor, and offered him to squeeze in alongside of her on the bunk. Without much ado, the sergeant got in and then said, "Do you want to sleep single or married?"

The girl giggled and said, "It'd be nice if we slept 'married' don't you think so?"
"Well okay, if that's what you want, we'll sleep 'married' then," he said turning his back on her and fell asleep.

Made in Japan

A Japanese tourist hailed a taxi in downtown Chicago and asked to be taken out to O'Hare Airport. On the way, a car zoomed by and the tourist responded, "TOYOTA! Made in Japan, very fast!"
Not too long after, another car flew by the taxi. "Oh! NISSAN! Made in Japan, very fast!"
Yet another zipped by, "Oh! Mitsubishi! Made in Japan, very fast!"
The taxi driver, complete 100% American, was starting to get a little miffed that the Japanese made cars were passing his Chevy, when yet another car passed the taxi right as they were turning into the airport. "Oh! Honda! Made in Japan, very fast!"
The taxi driver stopped the car, pointed to the meter, and said, "that'll be $150."
"It was so short a ride! Why so much?"
"Taxi Meter. Made in Japan. Very fast," replied the driver.

Success in marriage

Joe had asked Bob to help him out with the deck after work, so Bob just went straight over to Joe's place. When they got to the door, Joe went straight to his wife, gave her a hug and told her how beautiful she was and how much he had missed her at work.

When it was time for supper, he complimented his wife on her cooking, kissed her and told her how much he loved her.

Once they were working on the deck, Bob told Joe that he was surprised that he fussed so much over his wife. Joe said that he'd started this about 6 months ago, it had revived their marriage, and things couldn't be better.

Bob thought he'd give it a go. When he got home, he gave his wife a massive hug, kissed her and told her that he loved her.
His wife burst into tears.

Bob was confused and asked why she was crying. She said, "This is the worst day of my life. First, little Billy fell off his bike and twisted his ankle. Then, the washing machine broke and flooded the basement. And now, you come home drunk!"

Party Campaign

Two opposing county chairmen were sharing a rare moment together. The Democratic chairman said, "I never pass up a chance to promote the party. For example, whenever I take a cab, I give the driver a sizable tip and say, 'Vote Democratic.'"


His republican opponent said, "I have a better scheme, and it doesn't cost me a nickel. I don't give any tip at all. And when I leave, I say the same, 'Vote Democratic."

 

Wealth, Wisdom or Beauty

An angel appears at a faculty meeting and tells the dean that in return for his unselfish and exemplary behavior, the Lord will reward him with his choice of infinite wealth, wisdom, or beauty. Without hesitating, the dean selects infinite wisdom.

"Done!" says the angel, and disappears in a cloud of smoke and a bolt of lightning. Now, all heads turn toward the dean, who sits surrounded by a faint halo of light.

One of his colleagues whispers, "Say something." The dean sighs and says, "I should have taken the money."

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