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Santa goes cinema

Santa appeared at the box office of a cinema and bought two tickets. A few minutes later he returned and bought two more. When, after a short interval, he appeared a third time and offered to pay for two more, the ticket-seller opened the little door in the glass and spoke up. "Aren't you the same gentleman who just bought two tickets and two others just a little while ago?" she asked, puzzled. "Yes," replied Santa Singh plaintively. "But why do you need so many tickets and can’t you buy them together in one go?" she queried.

"I only need two tickets but the problem is that stupid man at the door first asks for tickets, tears them into half and hands the remaining over to me," explained Santa.

Drink to glory

An Irishman had been drinking at a pub all night. The bartender finally said that the bar was closing. So the Irishman stood up to leave and fell flat on his face. He tried to stand one more time and fell again. He figured that if crawls his way outside and get some fresh air then it might sober him up a bit. Once outside he stood up and fell flat once again.

He decides to crawl 4 blocks to his home. When he arrived at his doorstep and tried to stand, he fell badly. He crawled through the door and into his bedroom. When he reached his bed and tried to stand one last time, he managed to pull himself upright, and fell right into bed.

He dozed off to glory the moment his head hit the pillow. He woke up the next morning only to find his wife standing over him, "So, you've been out drinking again," she shouted.

"What makes you say that?" he asked, putting on an innocent look. "The pub called. You left your wheelchair there again."

 

Blonde’s training

How come you're late?" asks the bartender as the blonde waitress walks in the door. "It was awful," she explains. "I was walking down Elm Street and there was this terrible accident. A man was lying in the middle of the street; he was thrown from his car.

His leg was broken, his skull was fractured, and there was blood everywhere. Thank God! I took that first-aid course, all my training came back to me in a minute."
"What did you do?" asks the bartender.
"I just sat down and put my head between my knees to keep me from fainting!"

Wife's affair

Santa and his two friends are talking at a bar. His first friend says, "I think my wife is having an affair with the electrician. The other day I came home and found wire cutters under our bed and they weren't mine."

His second friend says, "I think my wife is having an affair with the plumber, the other day I found a wrench under the bed and it wasn't mine."

Santa says, "I think my wife is having an affair with a horse." Both his friends look at him with utter disbelief. "No I'm serious. The other day I came home and found a jockey under our bed."

Old age

Two old guys were sitting in the park, talking, when the subject turned to getting older. The first guy said, "Women have all the luck when it comes to getting older."
"What do you mean?" asked the second guy. "Well," replied the first. "I can barely remember the last time I was able to get it up in bed, but my wife is healthier than ever!"
"Healthier? How is that?" his buddy wondered.
"Years ago, when we were younger, almost every night before bed she'd get these terrible headaches." He answered. "Now that we're older, she hasn't had a headache in years."

Howard's nightmare

Howard had felt guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn't. The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming. But every once in a while he'd hear that soothing inner voice trying to reassure him, "Howard. Don't worry about it. You aren't the first doctor to sleep with one of your patients and you won't be the last."

But invariably the other voice would bring him back to reality, "Howard. You're a veterinarian."

Basic intelligence

Two rich men were talking of their drivers when one of them said, "Hey, I tell you my driver is really stupid. Let me show you that."
And he called for Banta, his driver. "Banta, here is a 10 dollar bill, go to the car showroom and buy me a Mercedes," he ordered.

"Yes Sir! Right away," Banta replied and rushed off to the showroom.
"See, I told you," said the rich man.
To this, the other man said, "That's nothing, I will show you how stupid my driver is." And he called his driver, Santa Singh. "Santa, go home now and check to see if I'm at home," he ordered.

"Yes Sir! Right away," and ran home.
"See, didn't I tell you," said the man, "He doesn't even have the brains to know that I cannot be at home if I am here."
Santa and Banta bump into each other on the road. "Eh, you know my boss is so stupid. He gave me 10 dollars and asked me to go to the car showroom and buy him a Mercedes.....Doesn't he know that today is Sunday?

The showroom is closed," said Santa. "Well, this is nothing, my boss is even worse. He asked me to go home to check if he is at home....He's got a cellphone, right, can't he just call home and check for himself!" replied Banta.

 

Honest Lawyer?

A woman and her daughter were visiting the cemetery. On their way back, the little girl asked, "Mommy, do they ever bury two people in the same grave?" "Of course not, dear." replied the mother, "What makes you ask that?"

"The tombstone back there had this written on it -- Here lies a lawyer and an honest man," quipped the girl.

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