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Little
Johnny’s poem
A third
grade teacher always took roll call each morning and had the pupils' answer by
reciting a short poem.
The first
kid sat in the first row was a teacher's pet. He stood and said, "My name
is Dan, and when I become a man, I would like to go to Japan if I can, and I
think I can."
The next
kid was a little girl who sat in the middle of the room. She stood up and
answered the roll call by stating, "My name is Suzy, and when I become a
lady I would like to have a baby...if I can, and I think I can."
The next
on the list was Little Johnny, a smart guy sitting in the back of the room. He
stood up and said, "My name is Johnny, and I don't give a damm about Japan
but I would like to help Suzy in her plan if I can and I think I can!
Sex therapy
Worried
about their less than exciting sex life, a young wife sent her husband to a
therapist who wound up treating him with self hypnosis. And, to her joy,
everything got much better.
However,
she could not help but notice that each night, early into their lovemaking, the
husband would dash out to the bathroom for several minutes. This tormented her
until finally, one night, she followed him.
There, in
front of the mirror, she found him applying this therapeutic technique:
"She's not my wife... She's not my wife...She's not my wife..."
Weather
News
Although
he was a qualified meteorologist, a local broadcaster ran up a terrible record
of forecasting for the TV news program. He became something of a local joke when
a newspaper began keeping a record of his predictions and showed that he'd been
wrong almost three hundred times in a single year.
That kind
of notoriety was enough to get him fired.
He moved
to another part of the country and applied for a similar job. One blank on the
job application called for the reason for leaving his previous position.
In the
blank he wrote quite honestly, "The climate didn't agree with me."
The
big fart
Three
bored traveling salesmen were flying in a plane. To add a little excitement to
the trip one man dropped out an apple, the second dropped an orange, and the
third man dropped a grenade.
After the
plane landed, the three men were walking down the street. They saw a kid crying
and asked him why he was crying.
The kid
said, "An apple hit me in the head."
Then they
saw another kid crying and he said, "An orange hit me in the head."
Then the
men saw another kid laughing his head off, so they asked him what was so funny.
The third
kid said, "I farted and my house blew up!"
No ears
Three guys
go in for a job interview, all at the same office. The first one goes in for his
interview and the interviewer says, "What's the first thing you see when
you look at me?" The guy says, "That's not too hard, you've got no
ears." The interviewer says, "That's it, get out, you'll never be seen
around here again."
The second
man takes his turn and is asked the same question. The applicant replies,
"Uh, you've got no ears." The interviewer throws the guy out, cursing
and yelling that he'll never get a job with his company. As he is leaving, the
second guy warns the third guy, "Listen man, whatever you do, don't say he
hasn't got any ears. He's so touchy with the ear thing."
"Okay," said the third guy on his
way into the office. Once inside he is told, "Name the first thing you
notice when you look at me." The guy answers, "That's easy, you wear
contacts." The interviewer was flabbergasted, "How on earth did you
know that, son?"
"How can you wear glasses? You've got no ears!"
Can't do it here...
A guy
walks into a gas station and buys a pack of cigarettes. He pulls one out and
starts smoking it. The cashier says, "Excuse me sir, but you can't smoke in
here."
The guy says,
"Don't you think it's kind of dumb that I buy them here but can't smoke
them here?" And the cashier replies, "Not at all. We also sell condoms
here..."
Ideal
Breakfast
A man was
walking down the street when he heard, "You take one more step, and you are
finished. A brick will fall on you turning your head into a beaten
watermelon."
The man stopped and a big brick fell right in front of him.
He was astonished. Minutes later, he was about to cross the road when he heard,
"Stand still! One more step and a car will make a mincemeat of you."
The moment he stopped, a car came careening around the corner, missing him by
inches.
"Where are you? And who are you?" the man demanded looking around, not
to find anyone in the vicinity.
"I am your guardian angel," the voice answered.
"Oh, yeah?" the man asked. "And where the hell were you when I
got married?"
Competition
Three
leading psychiatrists practicing in the same city and competing fiercely for
clients met at a party.
"People come to us with their problems. But we have no one to go to. Why
don't we just hear each other out and help?" said one of them over a drink.
They agree at this. The first psychiatrist, holding his scotch, confesses,
"I'm a compulsive shopper and deeply in debt, so I overbill patients as
often as I can."
The second
takes a big gulp and admits, "I have a drug problem that's out of control,
and I frequently pressure my patients into buying illegal drugs for me."
The third psychiatrist, barely drinking, says, "I know it's wrong, but no
matter how hard I try, I just can't keep a secret."
Teacher :
Peter, why are you late for school again?
Peter : Well, Miss, I dreamed that I was playing
football and
the game went into extra time.
___________________________________________________
Peter : What a pair of strange socks you are wearing,
one is
green and one is blue with red spots
Kirk : Yes it's really strange. I've got
another pair of the same at home.
______________________________________________________
1st thief : Oh The police is here. Quick Jump out of
the window
2nd thief : But this is the 13th floor.
1st thief : Hurry this is no time for superstitions.
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