Husband at home

I ran into Jim at work yesterday. He had been out for a few days because of flu. I asked him how he was feeling. "I'm better, thanks. You know, it was a wonderful experience." he replied. "Wonderful? How can the flu be wonderful?" I asked in stunned disbelief.

"Well, I learned that my wife really loves me. You know that whenever the mailman came by or a delivery man headed towards the door, my wife ran out to meet them? I could hear her saying excitedly, 'My husband is home! My husband is home!"

Blondes in college

A group of blondes in a class at a local University were given the assignment to measure the height of a flagpole. So they went out to the flagpole with ladders and tape measures, and they’re falling off the ladders, dropping the tape measures - the whole thing was just a mess.

An engineering student comes along, sees what they’re trying to do, walks over, pulls the flagpole out of the ground, lays it flat, measures it from end to end, and then gave measurement to one of the blondes and walked away.

After the engineer had gone, one blonde turned to another and laughed. "Isn’t that just like a dumb engineer? We’re looking for the height, and he gives us the length!"

Of husbands and wives…

Two women were discussing marriage. One said, "We've been married twenty-five years, and every night my husband complains of bad food. Not one night has passed without this habit of his."

The other woman said, "That's awful. Doesn't it bother you?"

The first one shrugged and said, "Why should I object if he doesn't like his own cooking?"

Crocodile boots

Sandy proposes to a woman. She says that she will agree only if he bring her a pair of crocodile boots. He sets off to Africa and disappears.

Finally a search operation is conducted, and they find him hunting crocodiles and watch him killing a huge one.

He walks over the reptile, checks its legs and exclaims angrily, "71st and bare feet again!"

Speed limit

Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a State Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 Mph. He thinks to himself, "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!" So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over.

Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies - two in the front seat and three in the back - wide eyed and white as ghosts. The driver, obviously confused, says to him, "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?"

"Ma'am," the officer replies, "You weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers."

"Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly... twenty-two miles an hour!" the old woman says a bit proudly. The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle, explains to her that "22" was the route number, not the speed limit.

A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error. "But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask... Is everyone in this car ok? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven't muttered a single peep this whole time," the officer asks.

"Oh, they'll be alright in a minute, officer. We just got off Route 119."

Santa goes for a movie…

Santa and a friend are sitting in a cinema. Just before the break they see a cactus and in some distance a cowboy. During the break the friend says to Santa: "I bet the cowboy will ride into the cactus."

Santa answers: "I do not believe that."

They agree that the loser invites the winner to a bottle of wine after the film.

It turns out that the friend wins. So after the film they drink together the bottle of wine in a restaurant near the cinema.

Then the friend says: "I must confess that the bet was not fair. I saw the film for the second time."

Then Santa replies: "And I saw it for the fourth time, but I did not think that this fool rides into the cactus again."

Bar hassles

A drunk staggers into a bar demanding a beer. The bartender informed him that he was not allowed to serve alcohol to drunken patrons. After a few harsh words, the bartender suggested to the drunk to prove he wasn't drunk by doing twenty push-ups on the floor.

As he was doing the push-ups, another drunk staggers into the bar and sees this guy on the floor doing push-ups. He looks at him for a minute and then kicks him in the ribs saying, "Fella, I think your girl friend has gone home."

Drink policy

A man walks in the front door of a bar. He is obviously drunk, and staggers up to the bar, seats himself on a stool and, with a belch, asks the bartender for a drink. The bartender politely informs the man that it appears that he has already had plenty to drink, he could not be served additional liquor at this bar, and could a cab be called for him?

The drunk is briefly surprised, then softly scoffs, grumbles, and climbs down off the barstool and staggers out the front door. A few minutes later, the same drunk stumbles in the side door of the bar. He wobbles up to the bar and hollers for a drink.

The bartender comes over and, still politely - but more firmly, refuses service to the man due to his inebriation, and again offers to call a cab. The drunk looks at the bartender for a moment angrily, curses, and shows himself out the side door, all the while grumbling and shaking his head.

A few minutes later, the same drunk bursts in through the back door of the bar. He plops himself up on a barstool, gathers his wits and belligerently orders a drink. The bartender comes over and emphatically reminds the man that he is clearly drunk and will be served no drinks, and either a cab or the police will be called immediately. The surprised drunk looks at the bartender, and in hopeless anguish, cries, "MAAAN! How many bars do you work at?

Drink problem

A drunk walks into a bar and says, "Bartender, buy everyone in the house a drink, pour yourself one, and give me the bill."

So, the bartender does just that, and hands the man the bill.

The drunk says, "I haven't got any money." The bartender slaps the guy around a few times then throws him out into the street.

The very next day, the same drunk walks into the bar and once again says, "Bartender, buy everyone in the house a drink, pour yourself one, and give me the bill."

The bartender figures that he can't possibly be stupid enough to pull the same trick twice, so he gives him the benefit of the doubt. He pours a round of drinks for the house, has a drink himself, and hands the drunk the bill.

Again, the drunk says, "I haven't got any money."

The bartender can't believe it. He picks the guy up, beats the living daylights out of him, and then throws him out into the street.

The next day, the same drunk walks back into the same bar and says, "Bartender, buy every one in the house a drink and give me the bill."

In disgust, the bartender says, "What, no drink for me this time?" The drunk replies, "Nope! You get too violent when you drink."

A matter of punctuation

An English professor wrote the words, "Woman without her man is nothing" on the blackboard and directed his students to punctuate it correctly.

The men wrote: "Woman, without her man, is nothing."

The women wrote: "Woman! Without her, man is nothing."

The "typical" husband...

After a young couple brought their new baby home, the wife suggested that her husband should try his hand at changing diapers.

"I'm busy dear," he said, "I'll do the next one."

The next time came around, and she asked again.

The husband looked puzzled. "Oh! I didn't mean the next diaper...

I meant the next baby!"

Ambition

A guy walks into a bar with a small dog. The bartender says, "Get out of here with that dog!"

The guy says, "But this isn't just any dog... this dog can play the piano!"

The bartender replies, "Well, if he can play that piano, you both can stay... and have a drink on the house!"

So the guy sits the dog on the piano stool, and the dog starts playing. Ragtime, Mozart... and the bartender and patrons are enjoying the music.

Suddenly a bigger dog runs in, grabs the small dog by the scruff of the neck, and drags him out. The bartender asks the guy, "What was that all about?"

The guy replies, "Oh, that was his mother. She wanted him to be a doctor."

Health secret

Grandpa Cartmell was celebrating his 100th birthday and everybody complimented him on how athletic and well-preserved he appeared." I will tell you the secret of my success," he cackled.

"My wife and I were married 75 years ago. On our wedding night, we made a solemn pledge. Whenever we had a fight, the one who was proved wrong would go outside and take a walk. Gentlemen, I have been in the open air day after day for some 75 years now."

Salesman

A man was carrying 2 babies, one in each arm while waiting for a train. Along came this woman, seeing the 2 cute babies, started asking the man, "Aren't they cute, what are their names?" The man giving the lady an angry look replied, "I don't know."

The lady asked again, "Which is a boy and which is a girl?" The man looking angrier than before replied, "I don't know." The woman then started to scold the man, "What kind of a father are you?"

The man replied, "I am not their father, I am just a condom salesman and these are 2 complaints that I am taking back to my company."

Students

These three guys go down to Mexico one night and get drunk and wake up in jail. They found out that they are to be executed for their crimes but none of them can remember what they have done.

The first one is strapped in the electric chair and is asked if he has any last words. He says, "I am from the Grand Canyon College and I believe in the almighty power of God to intervene on behalf of the innocent."

They throw the switch and nothing happens, so they figure God must not want this guy to die, so they let him go.

The second one is strapped in and gives his last words. "I am from the University of Arizona School of Law and I believe in the eternal power of Justice to intervene on the part of the innocent."

The switch is thrown and again nothing happens. They figure that the law is on this guy's side, so they let him go.

The last one is strapped in and say's "Well, I'm an ASU Sun Devil Electrical Engineer, and I'll tell you right now you'll never electrocute anybody if you don't connect those two wires."

God rests his soul.
 

Dentist

A nervous lady visited a dentist to get her tooth extracted. As the dentist leaned to extract her tooth, she suddenly became very nervous and said "I would be less scared delivering a baby than getting a tooth extracted."

To this the dentist delightfully said, "Madam, you better decide fast before I adjust the chair!"