Keyboard error

A blonde turned on the computer without a keyboard plugged in. In no time, the computer detected the error and flashed a "Keyboard Error" message on the monitor.

Surprised at this, the blonde wondered as to how the dumb machine generate a keyboard error when there was no keyboard attached to the system

                                                                      Plantation time

A farmer is booked for some crime and sent to jail. His wife is trying to hold the farm together in his absence but does not know how to. So she writes a letter to him, "Dear Jack, What's the best time to plant potatoes?"
The farmer writes back, "Honey, don't go near that field. That's where all my guns are burried."

Since all the mails in the jail are censored, the sheriff gets hold of the letter and decides to dig the guns out.
He rushes with all his men and digs up the entire farm for two full days, looking for the guns everywhere, only to find not a single weapon burried down under.
The farmer then writes to his wife, "Honey, now is the time to plant potatoes."

Bank Account

A man was called into his bank to discuss his accounts. "Your finances are in terrible shape," the banker stated. "Your checking
account is overdrawn and your loan is overdue."
"Yes, I know" said the man. "It's my wife, she is out of control."
"Why do you allow your wife to spend more than what you have?" asked the
banker.
"Frankly," replied the man with a deep sigh, "because I'd rather argue
with you than with her."

Growing older

John's wife had just bought a new line of expensive cosmetics absolutely guaranteed to make her looks years younger.

She sat in front of the mirror for what had to be hours applying the "miracle" products. Finally, when she was done, she turned to her husband and said, "Honey, honestly now, what age would you say I am?"

He nodded his head in assessment, and said, "Well, judging from your skin, twenty. Your hair, mmmm, eighteen. Your figure, twenty-five."
"Oh, you're so sweet my love!" she said.
"Well, hang on," said her husband, "I'm not done adding it up yet."

Great gambler

"I want you to stop my son from gambling," an anxious father said to his boy's school principal. "I don't know where he gets it from but it's always a bet, bet, bet." "Leave it to me," said the principal. A week later he called up the boy's father and said, "I think I've cured him."

"How?" queried the boy's father.
"Well, I saw him looking at my beard when he said, "I bet that's a false beard."
"How much?" I asked, and he said "Rs. 500."

"What happened next?" asked the curious father. "Well, he tugged my beard, which is quite natural, and I made him give me Rs. 500. I'm sure that'll teach him a lesson."
"No, it won't," said the father. "He bet me Rs.1000 this morning that he'd pull your beard with your consent by the end of this week!"

Hard day

The businessman dragged himself home and barely made it to his chair before he dropped exhausted.
His sympathetic wife was right there with a cool drink and a comforting word. "My God, you look tired," she said. "You must have had a hard day today.

What happened? Why do you look so troubled and exhausted?"
"Honey, it was just terrible," her husband said. "The computer server broke down and all of us had to do our own thinking."

Car keys

One day, John was chiding his blonde wife about leaving her keys in the car. "If I take them out of the car I lose them," she reasoned.

Deadly Divorce

A married couple is driving down the interstate doing 55 mph. The husband is behind the wheel. His wife looks over at him and says, "Honey, I know we've been married for 15 years, but, I want a divorce."
The husband says nothing but slowly increases speed to 60 mph. She then says, "I don't want you to try to talk me out of it, because I've been having an affair with your best friend, and he's a better lover than you." Again the husband stays quiet and just speeds up as his anger increases.
She says, "I want the house." Again the husband speeds up, and now is doing 70 mph.

She says, "I want the kids too." The husband just keeps driving faster, and faster, now he's up to 80 mph.
She says, "I want the car, the checking account, and all the credit cards too." The husband slowly starts to veer toward a bridge overpass piling, as she says, "Is there anything you want?"

The husband says, "No, I've got everything I need."
She asks, "Really? What's that?"
The husband replies just before they hit the wall at 90 mph, "I've got the airbag!"

Guess whom?

A young pilot wanted to sound cool on the routine aviation process and frequencies. So, the first time approaching a field during the nighttime hours, instead of making any official requests to the tower, he said, "Guess whom?"

The controller at the ATC tower switched the field lights off and replied, "Guess where?!?"

The right reward

A blind man was standing with his dog in a corner when the dog raised his leg pissed on his trouser.

The man took out a biscuit from his pocket and was about to give the dog the same. Suddenly, he heard a lady saying, "You should not do that".

"He'll never learn anything if you reward him when he does something like tha!." The blind man ret
orted, "I'm not rewarding him.

" I'm just trying to find his mouth so that I can kick him in the ass for he just did".

Blind as a bat

One night, a vampire bat came flapping in, covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the cave's roof to get some sleep. Soon all the other bats around him smelled the blood and began hassling him as to where did he manage the kill from. He told them to shut up and let him get some sleep, but they persisted.

Finally he finally gave in and said, "Follow me."
He flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him. Down through a valley they went, across a river and into a forest of trees. Then he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around him. "Do you see that tree over there?" he asked. "YES, YES, YES!" the bats all screamed in a frenzy.
"Well, I didn't."

The frog and the princess

A frog, tired of his routine life, calls the psychic help line in frustration. "You are going to meet a

beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you," says the officer at the other end.

Excited at hearing this, the frog queries further, "This is great! But, will I meet her at a party or

what?"

"No," says the officer, "Next semester, in her biology lab."

Whose child is it?

A man and his wife were seeking a divorce at a local court. But the custody of their child posed a problem. The mother jumped to her feet and protested to the judge that since she had brought the child into this world, she should retain custody.

The man also wanted custody of his child. The judge asked for his side of the story too. After a long moment of silence, the man rose from his chair and argued, "Judge, when I put a dollar in a vending machine and a Pepsi comes out, does the Pepsi belong to me or to the machine?"

Doctor’s advice

After her husband's checkup, a woman was called into the doctor's office. The doctor told her, "Your husband has a serious disease. There are several things you'll have to do for him, or he will surely die.

Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant to him. Make him a nutritious lunch for work, and an especially nice meal for his dinner. Don't give him chores, or that will increase his stress. Don't discuss your problems with him either. Try to relax him in the evenings by wearing lingerie and giving him backrubs. Let him play golf every weekend and listen patiently to how his round went. And most importantly, make love to him several times a week and satisfy his wildest desires. If you do these things for the next 10 months to a year, I think he'll pull through."

Greatest wish

In a Sydney Park stood two statues, one female and the other male.
These two statues faced each other for many years. Early one morning an angel appeared before the statues and said, "Since the two of you have been exemplary statues and have brought enjoyment to many people, I am giving you your greatest wish. I hereby give you the gift of life. You have 30 minutes to do whatever you desire."

With that command, the statues came to life. The two statues smiled at each other ran toward some nearby woods and dove behind a couple of bushes.

The angel smiled to himself as he listened to the two statues giggling, bushes rustling and twigs snapping. After fifteen minutes, the two statues emerged from the bushes, satisfied and smiling. Puzzled, the angel looked at his watch and asked the statues, "You still have fifteen minutes. Would you like to continue?"

The male statue looked at the female and asked, "Do you want to do it again?" Smiling, the female statue said, "Alright. But this time YOU hold the pigeon down and I'll shit on its head."

Weather woes

Although a qualified meteorologist, Hopkins ran up a terrible record of forecasting for the TV news program. He became something of a local joke when a newspaper began keeping a record of his predictions and showed that he'd been wrong almost three hundred times in a single year.

That kind of notoriety was enough to get him fired. He moved to another part of the country and applied for a similar job.

One blank on the job application called for the reason for leaving his previous position. Hopkins wrote: "The climate didn't agree with me."

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