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Gates on cars
In one of the computer expositions, Mr. Gates was commenting on the state of the industry. "Had GM followed our practices and kept up with technology just like the computer industry has, we would all be driving cars that cost $25 only with an average of 1000 miles per gallon," he said.
Recently, GM addressed
the comment by releasing a statement, "Yes, but would you want your car
to crash twice a day with a new version of it coming out every year?"
Wife of a very successful businessman went to the portrait artist for her first sitting. She explained to the artist what she wanted, "You should paint me like I am. These little wrinkles, you put them on your canvas. The lines under my eyes, the flab on my arms, the turn in my nose, and the mole on my cheek, they should all be there on the canvas. But on my hands you put lots of rings with big diamonds and emeralds and bright jewels. Around my neck you put chains of gold and diamonds.
understand?"The artist looked at her in surprise and asked why does she
want him to put some ugly details on the canvas but but adorn herself with
Blondes make good drivers
A blonde met with a
horrific accident. Miraculously, she managed to pry herself from the
wreckage without a scratch and started applying fresh lipstick when the
constable arrived. "My God!" the constable gasped. "Your car
looks like a accordion stomped on by an elephant. Are you OK lady?"
"Officer, it was the strangest thing that can happen to anybody!" the blonde began. "I was driving along this road when from out of nowhere a TREE pops up in front of me.
So I swerved to the
right, only to find another tree! I swerved to the left and there was yet
ANOTHER tree! I served to the right again but there it was, another one. So,
I swerved to the left..."
William was becoming forgetful enough. So much so, that he even forgot his own name at times. His wife convinced him to see a doctor. William was a little worried when the doctor came in. Sensing his patient's nervousness, the first thing the doctor did was to ask what was troubling him.
After collecting his salary, a man went straight to the bar instead of heading home and squandered all his money. When he finally returned home, he ran into a barrage of epithets from his wife. After a couple of hours of nagging and berating, his wife asked "How would you like it, if you didn't see me for a couple of days?"
Every morning for years, at about 11:30, the telephone operator in a small Arkansas town received a call from a man asking the exact time. One day the operator finally gave in to her curiosity and asked the man why he called for the time every day.
"I'm foreman of
the local sawmill," he explained. "Every day I have to blow the
whistle at noon, so I call you to get the exact time."
President Bush & The Queen
President Bush is
representing the United States of America on a highly
As they ride towards Buckingham Palace, each looking sidewaysand waving to the thousands of cheering Britons lining the streets, all is going well. But suddenly the right rear horse lets fly with the most horrendous, earth-rending, eye-smarting blast of gastronomic flatulence ever heard in the British Empire, including Bermuda, Tortola and the Falkland Islands. It shakes the coach. Uncomfortable, but under control, the two dignitaries of state do their best to ignore the whole incident but then the Queen decides to explain the situation.
She turns to Mr. Bush and explains, "Mr. President, please accept my regrets....I'm sure you understand that there are some things that even a Queen cannot control". George W. Bush, a gentleman forever, replies, "Your Majesty, please don't give the matter another thought......you know, if you hadn't said something, I would have thought it was one of the horses."
A man complained of not being able to do all the things around the house, the way he used to do a few years back. The doctor examined him thoroughly and said nothing for a long time.
How high can they go?
A kangaroo kept getting out of his enclosure at the zoo. Knowing that he could hop high, the zoo officials put up a ten foot fence. He was out the next morning. A twenty foot fence was put up. He got out again.
When the fence was forty feet high, a camel in the next enclosure asked
the kangaroo, "How high do you they can go?"
A man was talking to
the God and thanking him for all that He had given him.
A monastery in Europe was situated on a high cliff and the only way to get there was through a suspended basket pulled to the top by several monks. The ride up the steep cliff in that basket was terrifying.
One tourist got exceedingly nervous about half-way up as he noticed that the rope by which he was suspended was old, frayed and had developed tear ends.
With a trembling
voice, he asked a the monk riding up with him, "How often do they
change the rope?"
Little Tim filling a
hole in the garden when his neighbour and asked, "Hey! What are you up
A user called the customer service center of a pager company. He complained that somebody by the nam e of Lucille was paging him repeatedly. And he wanted this to stop immediately. "Did she leave her number," asked the customer service agent.
"No, she does not and am tired of recieving the message again and again," replied the customer.
The agent promised to solve his problem and get back to him. After investigating his problem, the agent found that it was a numeric pager that the customer owned. So, he decided to call the customer. "Sir, if I may ask, how do you come to know that it is Lucille that pages you, especially when she does not leave her number." queried the agent.
"She leaves her name," was the reply. Baffled at how somebody could page her name to someone who owns a numeric pager, the agent asked, "And how does she spell her name?"
"L-O-W C-E-L-L!", said the frustrated customer.
A doctor's car collided with that of a lawyer. On seeing that the doctor was a bit shaken up and nervous, the lawyer helped the him get out of the car. He also offered the doctor a drink from his hip flask.
The doctor accepted the drink and after taking few gulps, handed the flask back to the lawyer. "Why don't you help yourself with a drink as well?" asked the doctor. "Sure, I will. But only after the police has left," replied the lawyer.
The Ugly Son
A middle-aged couple had two stunningly beautiful blonde teenage daughters. The parents decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted. After months of trying, the wife became pregnant again and finally delivered a healthy baby boy.
The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son. He took one look at the child and was horrified to see the ugliest boy he had ever seen. He went to his wife and said that there was no way he could have fathered that child. "Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered."
Then he gave her a stern look and asked, "Have you been fooling around on me?"
The wife just smiled sweetly and said, "Not this time honey."