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Him What He Wants
convict broke into a house and tied up a young couple who had been sleeping in
As soon as he had a chance, the husband turned to his voluptuous young wife,
bound up on the bed in a skimpy nightgown, and whispered, "Honey, this guy
hasn’t seen a woman in years. Just cooperate with anything he wants. If he
wants to sleep with you, just go along with it and pretend you like it. Our
lives depend on it!"
"Dear," the wife hissed, spitting out her gag, "I will do that if he wants but
living in jail has changed him. He just told me that he finds you really
a teacher, was standing in front of her class. It was the beginning of the new
school year. Mrs. Flebs said, “Okay class, we’re going to go around the room
and have everybody say a sentence. We’ll start with Sarah.”
Sarah said, “Cows have spots.
Terrence said, ’’Baseball is a sport.”
Carla said, “Computers are electronic.”
Bobby said, “Urinate.”
Mrs. Flebs said, “Bobby, urinate is a word, not a sentence.”
Bobby said, “Not ‘urinate’, it’s you’re an eight. And if you had bigger knocks
you’d be a ten.”
Another Weekend At The Home
rolling down the hall of a retirement home acting like he’s driving a car, an
orderly turns the corner and asks Willy what he’s doing.
Willy replies, "I’m going to Chicago for the weekend."
The orderly chuckles and enters Bob’s room to check on him. He catches Bob
pleasuring himself, when asked what he is doing, Bob replies, "I’m making love
with Willy’s old lady while he’s away in Chicago."
pregnant with her first child paid a visit to her obstetrician’s office. After
the exam, she shyly said, ’’My husband wants me to ask you...,’’ to which the
doctor replies, ’’I know, I know,’’ placing a reassuring hand on her shoulder.
’’I get asked that all the time. Sex is fine until late in the pregnancy.’’
’’No, that’s not it,’’ the woman confessed. ’’He wants to know if I can still
mow the lawn.’’
licks light bulbs
Johnny has to write a story about someone in his family that does something
amazing. The next day, he returns and tells the class that his father eats
"How do you know that?" asks his teacher.
"I heard him say it. He and Mom were in the bedroom and he said ’If you turn
out the light, I’ll lick that thing.’"
Elementary, My Dear Jerk face
Holmes and Watson were walking through a park, when they passed three women,
"Good evening, ladies," said Sherlock. After they passed, Watson asked if he
knew those women.
"No, Watson, I didn’t know that nun, prostitute, or bride." Baffled, Watson
asks how he knew their identities.
"Elementary, my dear Watson. The nun was eating the banana by breaking it into
The prostitute was shoving the banana into her mouth. And the bride was
holding the banana with one hand and forcing her head down with the other."
Bill Gates, and Roger Ebert are all struck by lightning on the same day. All
three find themselves in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. They start
begging him to give them another chance at life. St. Peter agrees but on one
condition: they each have to give up something they truly enjoy.
Ru Paul says, "I really love men, but I will give up making love with them."
Bill Gates says, "I really love money, but I will give up all the money I
Ebert says." I really love food, but I’ll give up pizza."
Soon, all three find themselves back on Earth. They start walking down street
feeling very grateful. Suddenly, Ebert spots a pizzeria. He smells the aroma
and can’t help himself — he runs in there and eats a slice of pizza. POOF! He
Ru Paul and Bill Gates are astonished and agree that that won’t happen to
them. So they resume walking down the street when Bill Gates spots a shiny,
new quarter. He thinks that if he picks it up, he can found a new company and
become fabulously wealthy again. He bends down to pick up the quarter and
POOF! Ru Paul disappears.