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Santa Singh went to his doctor after a long illness. The doctor, after a lengthy examination, sighed and looked Santa Singh in the eye and said, "I've some bad news for you... you have cancer and it can't be cured. I'd give you two weeks to a month." Santa Singh, shocked and saddened by the news, but of solid character, managed to compose himself and walk from the doctor's office into the waiting room. There he saw his son who had been waiting. Santa Singh said, "Puttar, we Surds celebrate when things are good and celebrate when things don't go so well. In this case, things aren't so well. I have cancer and I've been given a short time to live. Let's head for the pub and have a few pints." After three or four pints, the two were feeling a little less somber. There were some laughs and more beers.
They were eventually approached by some of Santa Singh's old friends who asked what the two were celebrating. Santa Singh told them that the Surds celebrate the good and the bad. He went on to tell them that they were drinking to his impending end. He told his friends "I've only got few weeks to live as I have been diagnosed with AIDS." The friends gave Santa Singh their condolences and they had a couple more beers. After his friends left, Santa Singh's son leaned over and whispered his confusion, "Dad, I thought you said that you were dying from cancer? You just told your friends that you were dying from AIDS!"
Porsche for cheap
A man was reading the paper when an ad caught his eye. It loudly announced, "$500 Porsche! New!" The man thought that it was very unusual to sell a Porsche for $500, and he thought it might be a joke, but then he thought, 'it's worth a shot.'
So he went to the lady who was selling the Porsche and she led him into the garage. Sure enough, there was an almost brand new Porsche.
"Wow!" the man said, "Can I take it for a test drive?"
"Sure," answered the lady. Unlike what he expected, the man found that the car ran perfectly.
When he got back, he asked her, "Why are you selling me this great Porsche for only $500?"
At this, the lady replied with a laugh, "My husband just ran off with his secretary, and he told me, 'You can have the house and the furniture, just sell my Porsche and send me the money.'"
Two men held up a bank. They cleaned out the cash drawers and then herded the tellers and clerks into the vault. They were getting ready to make their getaway when one of the tellers whispered, "Hey, buddy, would you do me a favor?" One of the robbers said, "What's on your mind, pal?" "Would you mind taking the books too? I'm five thousand short."
Love at First Sight
A man met a beautiful lady and he decided that he wanted to marry her right away. She said, "But we don't know anything about each other."
He said, "That's all right, we'll learn about each other as we go along."
So she consented, and they were married, and went on a honeymoon to a very nice resort. So one morning they were lying by the pool, when he got up off of his towel, climbed up to the 10-meter board and did a two and a half tuck gainer. This was followed by three rotations in jackknife position, where he straightened out and cut the water like a knife. After a few more demonstrations, he came back and lay down on the towel.
She said, "That was incredible!" He said, "I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told you we'd learn more about ourselves as we went along."
So she got up, jumped in the pool, and started doing laps. After about thirty laps she climbed back out and lay down on her towel hardly out of breath.
He said, "That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?"
"No." she said, "I was a hooker in Venice and I worked both sides of the canal.
"Why do you always carry my photo in your handbag?" asked the husband.
"Whenever there is a problem, no matter how impossible, I look at your picture and the problem disappears," replied the lady.
"You see, how miraculous and powerful I am for you?" smirks the hubby.
"Yes, I see your picture and say to myself, "What other problem can there be greater than this one?" pat came her reply.