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grade teacher always took roll call each morning and had the pupils' answer by
reciting a short poem.
kid sat in the first row was a teacher's pet. He stood and said, "My name
is Dan, and when I become a man, I would like to go to Japan if I can, and I
think I can."
kid was a little girl who sat in the middle of the room. She stood up and
answered the roll call by stating, "My name is Suzy, and when I become a
lady I would like to have a baby...if I can, and I think I can."
on the list was Little Johnny, a smart guy sitting in the back of the room. He
stood up and said, "My name is Johnny, and I don't give a damm about Japan
but I would like to help Suzy in her plan if I can and I think I can!
about their less than exciting sex life, a young wife sent her husband to a
therapist who wound up treating him with self hypnosis. And, to her joy,
everything got much better.
she could not help but notice that each night, early into their lovemaking, the
husband would dash out to the bathroom for several minutes. This tormented her
until finally, one night, she followed him.
front of the mirror, she found him applying this therapeutic technique:
"She's not my wife... She's not my wife...She's not my wife..."
he was a qualified meteorologist, a local broadcaster ran up a terrible record
of forecasting for the TV news program. He became something of a local joke when
a newspaper began keeping a record of his predictions and showed that he'd been
wrong almost three hundred times in a single year.
of notoriety was enough to get him fired.
to another part of the country and applied for a similar job. One blank on the
job application called for the reason for leaving his previous position.
blank he wrote quite honestly, "The climate didn't agree with me."
bored traveling salesmen were flying in a plane. To add a little excitement to
the trip one man dropped out an apple, the second dropped an orange, and the
third man dropped a grenade.
plane landed, the three men were walking down the street. They saw a kid crying
and asked him why he was crying.
said, "An apple hit me in the head."
saw another kid crying and he said, "An orange hit me in the head."
men saw another kid laughing his head off, so they asked him what was so funny.
kid said, "I farted and my house blew up!"
go in for a job interview, all at the same office. The first one goes in for his
interview and the interviewer says, "What's the first thing you see when
you look at me?" The guy says, "That's not too hard, you've got no
ears." The interviewer says, "That's it, get out, you'll never be seen
around here again."
man takes his turn and is asked the same question. The applicant replies,
"Uh, you've got no ears." The interviewer throws the guy out, cursing
and yelling that he'll never get a job with his company. As he is leaving, the
second guy warns the third guy, "Listen man, whatever you do, don't say he
hasn't got any ears. He's so touchy with the ear thing."
"Okay," said the third guy on his
way into the office. Once inside he is told, "Name the first thing you
notice when you look at me." The guy answers, "That's easy, you wear
contacts." The interviewer was flabbergasted, "How on earth did you
know that, son?"
"How can you wear glasses? You've got no ears!"
Can't do it here...
walks into a gas station and buys a pack of cigarettes. He pulls one out and
starts smoking it. The cashier says, "Excuse me sir, but you can't smoke in
The guy says,
"Don't you think it's kind of dumb that I buy them here but can't smoke
them here?" And the cashier replies, "Not at all. We also sell condoms
A man was
walking down the street when he heard, "You take one more step, and you are
finished. A brick will fall on you turning your head into a beaten
The man stopped and a big brick fell right in front of him.
He was astonished. Minutes later, he was about to cross the road when he heard,
"Stand still! One more step and a car will make a mincemeat of you."
The moment he stopped, a car came careening around the corner, missing him by
"Where are you? And who are you?" the man demanded looking around, not
to find anyone in the vicinity.
"I am your guardian angel," the voice answered.
"Oh, yeah?" the man asked. "And where the hell were you when I
leading psychiatrists practicing in the same city and competing fiercely for
clients met at a party.
"People come to us with their problems. But we have no one to go to. Why
don't we just hear each other out and help?" said one of them over a drink.
They agree at this. The first psychiatrist, holding his scotch, confesses,
"I'm a compulsive shopper and deeply in debt, so I overbill patients as
often as I can."
takes a big gulp and admits, "I have a drug problem that's out of control,
and I frequently pressure my patients into buying illegal drugs for me."
The third psychiatrist, barely drinking, says, "I know it's wrong, but no
matter how hard I try, I just can't keep a secret."
Peter, why are you late for school again?
Peter : Well, Miss, I dreamed that I was playing
the game went into extra time.
Peter : What a pair of strange socks you are wearing,
green and one is blue with red spots
Kirk : Yes it's really strange. I've got
another pair of the same at home.
1st thief : Oh The police is here. Quick Jump out of
2nd thief : But this is the 13th floor.
1st thief : Hurry this is no time for superstitions.