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Cartoon

Amish Woman Driver

An Amish lady is trotting down the road in her horse and buggy when she is pulled over by a cop. “Ma’am,” said the cop, “I’m not going to ticket you, but I do have to issue you a warning. You have a broken reflector on your buggy.”

“Oh, I’ll let my husband, Jacob, know as soon as I get home,” responded the Amish lady.

“That’s fine. Another thing, ma’am. I don’t like the way that one rein loops across the horse’s back and around his private. I consider that animal abuse. Have your husband take care of that right away!” instructed the cop.

Later that day, the lady is home telling her husband about her encounter with the cop.

“Well, dear, what exactly did he say?” asked Jacob.

“He said the reflector is broken,” replied the lady.

“I can fix that in two minutes. What else?” wondered Jacob.

“I’m not sure, Jacob... something about the emergency brake,” said the lady.

American in Mexico

There was this American tourist in Mexico, and he was getting tired of walking around, so he went up to a donkey rental place and said, ’’Can I rent a donkey?’

The guy said, "We don’t call them donkeys here, we call them asses. This is the only ass I have left, and you have to scratch him when you want to make him stop."

The guy rides his ass for a while, sees a hotdog stand, and asks for a hotdog. The vendor replies, "We don’t call them hotdogs here we call the wieners."

Meanwhile his donkey is wandering away, so he goes up to another tourist and says "Will you hold my wiener while I scratch my ass?"

Clinical problem

A businessman returns from the far east. After a few days he notices strange growth on his private. He sees several doctors. They all say: “You’ve been enjoying around in the Far East, very common there, no cure. We’ll have to cut it off.” The man panics, but figures if it is common in the East they must know how to cure it. So he goes back and sees a doctor in Pakistan.

The doctor examines him and says, "You’ve been fooling around in my country. This is a very common problem here. Did you see any other doctors?”

The man replies, “Yes a few in the USA.”

The doctor says, "I bet they told you it had to be cut off."

The man answers, "Yes!"

The doctor smiles, nods, "That is not correct. It will fall off by itself."

Coma

When the nurse was bathing a female patient who had been in a coma for many months, she noticed a reaction when placing a sponge between her legs. When the doctor was notified, he called the husband and asked him to report to the hospital immediately. Upon his arrival the doctor explained that the nurse had seen a reaction when her private parts were stimulated. He suggested that the husband should have oral with her because it might lead to improvement in her condition. After about 15 minutes the husband came out of her room and announced that she was dead!

"How did that happen?" asked the doctor.

"I think she choked to death," said the husband

Visit to the Doctor

A man and his wife went to the doctor’s office and the doctor asked the man for a blood, urine, and feces sample.

The man was slightly deaf and said, ’’What?’’

Again, the doctor said, ’’I need a blood, urine and feces sample."

The man still looked puzzled, so his wife leaned over and yelled into his ear:

’’Sheldon, the doctor needs a pair of your underwear!’’

Reaction

A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, ’’Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?’’ She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, ’’No, I won’t sleep with you tonight...you pig ’’

Everyone in the bar is now staring at them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table with a red face. After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, ’’I’m sorry if I embarrassed you.

You see, I’m a graduate student in psychology and I’m studying how people respond to embarrassing public situations.’’ To which he responds, screaming at the top of his lungs, ’’What do you mean $200 for just a blowjob?’’

Shipwrecked

A young wife, her boorish husband and a young good looking sailor were shipwrecked on an island. One morning, the sailor climbed a tall coconut tree and yelled, "Stop making love down there!"

"What’s the matter with you?" the husband said when the sailor climbed down. ’"We weren’t making love."

"Sorry," said the sailor, "From up there it looked like you were." Every morning thereafter, the sailor scaled the same tree and yelled the same thing. Finally the husband decided to climb the tree and see for himself. With great difficulty, he made his way to the top.

The husband says to himself, "By golly he’s right! It DOES look like they’re making love down there!"

First Day Out

A guy gets out of the V.D. Hospital and decides to a hire a professional girl, since he’s been without for so long. Before long, he brings one home, and they make love four times. After it’s over, he turns to her and tells her he hasn’t made love in four months because of being in the V.D. Hospital.

"How’s the food there?" asks the girl. "Because I’d booked a bed there a week back and am moving in there tomorrow!"

Exotic Male Dancer

The other day, my friends and I went to this Ladies Night Club. One of the girls wanted to impress us, so she pulled out a $10 bill. The dancer came over to us, and my friend licked the $10 and stuck it on his private.

Not to be outdone, my other friend pulled out a $50 bill. She called the guy back over, licked the $50 bill and stuck it on his private again.

Now the attention was focused on me. What could I do to top that? I got out my wallet and thought for a minute. Then the banker in me took over. I got my ATM card, swiped it down his crack, grabbed the 60 bucks, and went home.

Stupid Baby Names

A mother was sitting on the couch reading a book when one of her children walked up to her and said, "Mummy, why is my name Petal?"

The mother replied, "Because when you were born, a petal fell on your head."

The next baby walked up and asked, "Mummy why is my name Rose?" she replied,

"Because when you were born, a rose fell on your head." The last baby walked up to her and said, "BLAS CLAFLAS YIFRASSAM TASSM POONNFFFIINRTY."

The mother replied, "Shut up, Fridge."

Little Johnny’s Wish

Little Johnny came home from school one day and went by his mom’s room. The door was open, so he looked in and saw his mom lying on the bed moaning, "Ooh, I need a man! I need a man!"

The next day, Little Johnny got home from school and saw his mom lying on the bed naked with a guy. So Little Johnny ran to his room, stripped down, while moaning, "Ooh, I need a bike! I need a bike!"

A Child’s Prayer

One night, a father passed by his son’s room and heard his son praying: "God bless Mommy, Daddy, and Grandma. Bye Grandpa."

The father didn’t quite know what this meant, but was glad his son was praying. The next morning, they found Grandpa dead on the floor of a heart attack. The father reassured himself that it was just a coincidence, but was still a bit spooked.

The next night, he heard his son praying again: "God bless Mommy and Daddy. Bye Grandma."

The father was worried, but decided to wait until morning. Sure enough, the next morning Grandma was on the floor, dead of a heart attack.

Really scared now, the father decided to wait outside his son’s door the next night. And sure enough, the boy started to pray: "God bless Mommy. Bye Daddy."

Now the father was crapping his pants. He stayed up all night, and went to the doctor’s early the next day to make sure his health was fine. When he finally came home, his wife was waiting on the porch. She said, "Thank God you’re here -- we could really use your help! We found milkman dead on our porch this morning!"